I went running today at lunch. I’ve actually gone running 6 times since last Thursday. Sounds like a lot but really it’s not. Why not? Because they are all itty bitty baby runs which don’t feel like much. Yeah, I know, 1 mile is better than 0.
Old Jess wouldn’t have even ventured out for anything less than 3 miles. Now, I just go to go so I can say I did it.
The runs I got in three days in a row last weekend were awesome. But still, I feel like I’ve lost my running mojo. Bad.
I used to crave running, of course it’s when I couldn’t run. Before the marathon I loved getting out there and just going. If I had the chance, I’d use up the majority of my lunch break to knock out a 4-5 mile run. Just because.
Today I went 2. TWO miles. I walked probably 1/2 of that. I got out there but it was so disappointing.
Running is a battle against your will to keep going and not quit. I lost that battle today because the internal struggle of trying harder to get back to “normal,” or where I was, is taking over the joy of running. I try to enjoy it. I do. I don’t mind sweating my face off in 75% humidity in Texas summer. That’s fine. I can do it.
I just. Don’t. Care to.
So I don’t have to be marathoning or long running everyday, I get that.
I came back and told my friend Naomi about my “sucktastic” run (she’s also the one who pushed me out the door to go for lunch).
Jess, why do you run? Is it training for a race? Something else?
I wasn’t sure how to answer her.
Yup, I’ve got a half marathon (13.1 miles) scheduled for August 9. But if I don’t do it, no big. It was $13. (Yes my exact words) Odd that I’m throwing a race away so easily. The way things are going I can’t hit 3 miles so the likelihood of hitting 13 miles in just under a month and a half seems crazy. But I am crazy, so who knows.
Also, I run because I like to eat. Yup, forgot about that one.
Why do I run?
- to be healthy
- because I like food (mostly carbs and cheese)
- to set an example for my girls
- I like it to chill out
Putting it on paper is all good and great. Doing something about it is something else. I can do it because I have to, or because I can. The hard part that I struggle with, as a runner (and yes I wondered if I’m even a runner anymore), is whether I LIKE IT.
Do I still like running? I think so.
It’s who I am. It was me. But…now what?